The satire site The Babylon Bee presents “The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness,” a tongue-in-cheek guide to the far left’s obsession with intersectional insanity. You can order a copy here. Check out the first excerpt here, and read on for more from chapter one.


Take a look at our handy chart here in order to place yourself on the intersectional oppression matrix, so you know just how bad you have it in life:

The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness

No matter what identity you select, the important thing is that you never, ever take responsibility for problems in your own life. In short, go out and criticize the world before you clean your room— because your dirty room is everyone else’s fault. 

Let’s take a closer look at each axis of your identity: 


Gender is an extremely important aspect of your identity. 

There are many genders you can choose from, including cisgender, bigender, gender neutral, and super-double-omni-sexual-nonbinding-gender-non-hippopotamus. (For more, see our chapter on Gender.) 

Remember: gender is both entirely made up and imaginary, and it also cannot be contradicted by anyone else. It is eternal, set in stone, never changing, an immutable part of who you are. 

Until you change it. Because you can change it at any time. And we encourage you to do exactly that whenever you find a gender identity that helps you climb the intersectional ladder. Maybe you once declared yourself as agender, and now millions of people say they are agender. It’s just not cool anymore. It just doesn’t give you the woke points that it used to. So change it! Declare you are a gender-fluid dragonkin transgender semi-grey ace with an Enneagram wing nine. Now, no one else is like you—well, until everyone copies you and you have to go and change it again.

With gender, always stay one step ahead of everyone else. And remember, it’s like going to a buffet in Vegas: take a little bit of everything and just have fun with it! 

The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness


OK, so, things might get a little confusing here. Because while you can change your gender at the drop of a hat, race is immutable. You can just identify as the other sex or another gender at any time, but don’t try this with race because you’ll get eaten alive. While biological sex is a myth, biological races are set in stone. 

So, how do you get a leg up on everyone else when you can’t change your race? Well, there are a few approaches. 

First, you can search deep in your family history for a great-great-great-great-step-uncle who might have had 1/64th Native American blood. Then, you can use that to get admitted to a good college and get some great scholarships. 

Next, if you are white, you can kind of make up for it a little bit by constantly tweeting about how terrible white people are. The truly oppressed woke people of color will never entirely forgive you for being white, of course, but you can start chipping away at that debt little by little. Here’s a few tweets for you to try on for size: 

Finally, the truly daring antiracists sometimes just go ahead and try a little casual blackface. Rachel Dolezal, Justin Trudeau, Ralph Northam—these are just a few of the people that went for broke in denying their whiteness by dressing up as another race. And good ol’ Justin almost had us fooled! 

But yeah, don’t try that. It usually doesn’t play out very well. 

Why is it OK to identify as any gender or sexual orientation but not race? Why can you declare that you’re a woman and everyone must accept it as gospel truth, but the second you engage in a little casual blackface you get in trouble? 

We’re not sure. We didn’t make up the rules. But we sure as heck are gonna play by them so we don’t get canceled. 

The main takeaway here for race is to BE WOKE, NOT WHITE. 

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