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President’s Hocus-Pocus Saves Earth

With Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., looking on, President Joe Biden hands Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., the pen he used to sign into law the so-called Inflation Reduction Act at the White House on Aug. 16. The law devotes hundreds of billions of dollars to fostering "green" energy, but many forms of it ironically will have adverse effects on the environment. (Photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images)

Once upon a time, the intercom buzzed in the Oval Office.

“Mark P. Mills is here, sir,” said America’s most powerful secretary. “He’s a senior fellow with the Manhattan Institute.”

Mills stepped into the Oval Office and approached the Resolute Desk. “Good morning, sir.”

The president of the United States, gently tanned after a soothing fortnight at the beach, said: “Be seated.”

“I just dissected the Inflation Reduction Act,” Mills said. “Frankly, IRA’s ‘clean energy’ provisions will make you spoil the Earth to save it.” 

“I’m listening,” POTUS grumbled.

“I brought you my paper, “Mines, Minerals, and ‘Green’ Energy: A Reality Check.” 

“Intriguing,” POTUS mumbled, as he thumbed through its 19 pages and 127 footnotes. 

Mills told POTUS that the solar panels, windmills, and electric vehicles that he and congressional Democrats crave would mean mining, refining, shipping, and dumping that would scar the planet but barely nick expected global warming.

“Compared with hydrocarbons, green machines entail, on average, a tenfold increase in the quantities of materials extracted and processed to produce the same amount of energy,” Mills said.

“Continue,” POTUS replied. 

Too bad these efforts barely tame global warming.

Copenhagen Consensus Center founder Bjorn Lomborg calculates that the Inflation Reduction Act would decrease expected global temperatures by 0.0009 degrees Fahrenheit to 0.028 degrees Fahrenheit in 2100. Imagine lowering a thermostat from 72 degrees Fahrenheit to 71.9991 degrees Fahrenheit or (best-case scenario) 71.972 degrees Fahrenheit.

“Come on, man!” POTUS snapped. “We have this under control.”

Mills tilted his head in curiosity. From the bottom desk drawer, POTUS pulled a footlong rod. 

“This was carved from a chair leg at Philadelphia’s Independence Hall, America’s birthplace,” POTUS whispered. “Watch this.”

POTUS stood at his desk and waved the stick over his head. “Presto!”

A 78-year supply of strategic minerals floated from the heavens onto the Mojave Desert floor.

POTUS spun the stick and said, “Abracadabra!” 

These materials swiftly reached thousands of U.S. work sites. Millions of truck deliveries were avoided.

Another twirl of the stick. “Shazam!”

Henceforth, solar panels will evaporate upon obsolescence. Likewise, useless turbine blades will be gone with the wind. 

POTUS shook the stick once more. “Malarkey!” he shouted. 

Average-temperature forecasts suddenly plunged 3 degrees Fahrenheit through 2100. Instantly, global warming was canceled.

“Ta-da!” POTUS proclaimed through his toothy grin. 

“Wow, Mr. President,” Mills exclaimed. “Obama had a pen and a phone. But you have a magic wand. You can do anything!” 

And the American people lived happily ever after.

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