Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech at an impromptu event, sans teleprompter, as he was on his way to deliver a thoughtful gift to his British counterparts to reinforce our special relationship.

“Let me first start by saying that for the duration of my administration, there will be no more bailouts.” This statement drew a gasp from the crowd of European supporters and press who appeared unprepared for the news. The President continued by laying out a ten point plan for American economic recovery and leadership that seemed to be a complete reversal from earlier plans:

  • The President stated he would reduce Business Taxes from 35 percent to 25 percent to spur rapid growth in wages, jobs and business incomes. He would also permanently repeal the Alternative Minimum Tax and reduce the individual tax rate to three levels – 10, 15 and 25 percent – giving Americans more of their own money to fuel the economy, and increasing disposable income for an average family of four by up to $4,500 by 2013.
  • He asked Congress to drop consideration of the “Helping Families Save Their Homes Act” which actually destabilizes neighborhoods by rewarding irresponsible homeowners at the expense of those Americans making their payments. Stopping this bill in its tracks will lead to continued low interest payments and a stable mortgage market.
  • He would reinstate welfare reform. The Stimulus bill added nearly $800 billion in new means-tested welfare spending over the next decade, amounting to over $10,000 for each family paying income tax. The President stated simply that he would not be the one to overturn President Clinton’s welfare reform legacy.
  • He stated he would not allow a Cap and Trade bill to be passed, or signed, which would guarantee higher energy prices for all Americans at the gas pumps, and in their homes and businesses. He said “No new Carbon Taxes.”
  • After spending the entire campaign promising union donors that he would back Card Check legislation, he shocked the media by withdrawing his support for that legislation, which would eliminate basic democratic rights for workers and create a new bureaucratic board in Washington to control all aspects of management-employee relations for even the smallest of small businesses.
  • President Obama did say he was still pushing for expanded health care programs, but promised to work with both sides of the aisle on a program that would allow Americans to stay in private plans of their choosing and keep the government out of running a health care monopoly that would provide lower quality care at a higher price.
  • On the bailout front, the President promised to end the use of federal tax dollars to bailout companies better suited for bankruptcy. His plan would take government out of the role of ‘Federal CEO’, and would limit government intrusion that could actually harm businesses rather than help. For example, he said that automakers would no longer be asked to meet unreasonable deadlines on hybrid cars, until a successful market driven business model was created by the companies themselves. He also stated that his Administration would not be picking the next Board of Directors at GM.
  • President Obama promised a strong defense budget that supported a ready and modernized fighting force.   He would commit 4% of the nation’s GDP over the next ten years to defense and promised to complete a strong and active missile defense system capable of protecting America and its allies abroad.
  • And on the international front, President Obama vowed not to enter the United States into a global regulatory framework that would subvert American sovereignty and globalize Europe’s slow-growth economic model.

He took no questions from the media after he laid out this plan, but instead left with Secretary Clinton and Secretary Gates to monitor the North Korean missile launch planned for this weekend. He promised a strong response.

Okay, Okay, you got us. APRIL FOOL’S! But wouldn’t all of that be nice?

(Quotes by the President did not actually occur, seriously.)